


The Secret Life of the American Cheerleader

by maria_j_harper



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Fluff and Angst, Humanstuck, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 04:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2215815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maria_j_harper/pseuds/maria_j_harper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You have got to be fucking kidding me."<br/>"What? It was your idea!"<br/>"How the cockblistering fuck was auditioning to join the CHEER-LEADING SQUAD my idea?"<br/>"You're the one who said we had to lay low!"<br/>"And being the laughing stock of the entire school, THAT is your idea of lying low? Oh god, no wonder you suck so hard at stealth missions!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret Life of the American Cheerleader

"You have got to be fucking kidding me."  
"What? It was your idea!"  
"How the cockblistering fuck was auditioning to join the CHEER-LEADING SQUAD my idea?"  
"You're the one who said we had to lay low!"  
"And being the laughing stock of the entire school, THAT is your idea of lying low? Oh god, no wonder you suck so hard at stealth missions!"  
"Sh! Karkat! We're still in school! And as a matter of fact yeah, it is. What better way to cast off-" John breaks off, looks around suspiciously, an then whispers "-cast off suspicions- then to join the cheer team? No one's going to suspect the boy cheerleaders of -being secret spies.- They'll just think we're really lame... and probably gay."  
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you have officially moved into the seventh level of hell. The only hell worse than this one is the special hell reserved for child molesters, and people who talk too much at the theater. You don't know what you did to deserve this level of hell, but here you are! Does God really have such a problem with gay people he took special time out of his day to torture you for having feelings for your best friend?  
Your best friend John has just informed you that you and he will be trying out for the cheer-leading team, tomorrow.  
"Oh come ON Karkat, it's the perfect thing!"  
"I do not do splits."  
"Sure you do! You do the splits all the time when we're training."  
"Yes, FOR STRETCHING. I do not do the splits for ENTERTAINMENT!"  
"But it's the perfect way to stay limber and stuff! Relax Karkat, it'll be fun! And don't you dare do less than your best at the audition, I will tickle you!"  
You hate him. If you ever meet your heart in a dark alley, you are going to punch it in the face for falling for him.

You got in. Of course you got in. You're a fucking adorabloodthirsty killing machine, you can do a couple of back-hand-springs. So now you have to watch as John blushes and tries so hard not to look at the top of the pyramid at Vriska's ass. Vriska is basically the school's top bitch. When John joined the team, she immediately extended her friendship and protection to him. "John, boy cheer-leaders are the ones who get their heads flushed down toilets, and their glasses broken by fists. You need me. With me as your ally, no one will dare to mess with you! I... suppose I could offer my protection to your little friend too."  
You had told her that you neither needed nor wanted her quote unquote "friendship," and that she should fuck off. John had scolded you, because according to him she was "Just trying to be nice!" You swear, he is so naive sometimes. It is clear to you that Vriska sees John as no more than a tool, and he's such a grateful little lap dog that he doesn't seem to mind.  
Still, at least you still have your work. It's the only part of your precious time with John that Vriska can't infect, so you throw yourself into it. After cheer practice ends you go to your locker and pull out the false biology text book. The back of the locker swings, opening out into a dimly lit passageway. You feel yourself relaxing. You never though you'd see the day when this creepy tunnel felt like home. You walk down the gradually sloping tunnel, take a left turn, and then another, until you are in the secret base underneath your school.  
"Sollux, what do you have for me? I need a fucking mission or I'm gonna go insane."  
Sollux, your computer guy, appears on one of the four big screens positioned around the hideout. "Well we can't have that, now can we? Okay, this one's pretty small but... I have reason two believe that the basketball coach is juicing his players. No proof, but a bunch of the guys at my school were talking about how they all suddenly got way more bulgey muscles, and started acting weird. Like, even more temperamental than your average dumb jock kinds of weird, and... what the fuck is that?"  
Shit. You forgot to change out of your cheer-leading outfit. "It's my uniform. John made me join a sports team as part of our cover."  
"What sports team? that doesn't look like any uniform I've ever seen. Except for... wait. Oh my god-"  
"Shut up! What was it we were supposed to be talking about? That's right, NOT FUCKING THIS! So, you want me to find proof that the team is using steroids? Are you sure your school allegiances aren't affecting your judgement on this one?"  
"Oh come on, our schools' 'rivalry' is a big fucking joke, and we both know it. So is school spirit, a sentiment which I thought you shared, which is why I find it so hard two believe that you would agree to join ANY sports team, much less cheer."  
"Sollux. Mission. Now."  
"Okay, but if you think I'm done giving your gay-as-fuck ass shit about this, think again."  
"I'll consider myself warned. Now, how do you think this should play out?"  
"He's going out of town for the day on Wednesday. The team's traveling for the state game. You can bust into his house then."  
"Great, thanks."

"But Karkat, we have to go with them! The cheer team is going to State too!"  
"John, are you seriously telling me that CHEER-LEADING is now more important to you than our missions?"  
"It's just a drug bust, it's not like the fate of the world hangs in the balance. Can't we wait until after the game?"  
"I can't fucking believe this! He's going to be out of town, there will be no better opportunity than this one! You know what? Forget about it! You go watch Vriska do her high-kicks, I can handle this one on my own!"  
"Um... are you sure?"  
"Yeah, like you said, it's just a drug bust. I'll probably even do BETTER without YOU to slow me down, Egderp!"  
"Yeah, okay. Thanks Karkat!"  
He walks away, and you bite your lip to keep yourself from crying. Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you can't help but feel like you're losing your best friend. It's your own goddamn fault of course, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

You pick the lock on the coach's front door with relative ease, feeling a pleasant twinge of pride at the satisfying click with which it unlocks. You slip into the house, treading silently. You are in a dim hall way. You let your eyes adjust to the light, which comes from a couple of street lights outside. You don't dare turn on the lights inside. You walk into the living room and methodically search it for anything suspicious. You check the fireplace for secret passages, knowing that it's a long shot, but people are suckers for the classics. You probe the couch for hidden compartments, removing each cushion and replacing it just the way you found it. You also check the table. You find a leaf underneath it to expand it for company, but nothing else.  
Moving on, you canvas the dining room in much the same way, leaving no metaphorical stone unturned. Suddenly, you hear a jingling sound coming from the direction of what you think is the bedroom. You put your hand on your tazer. You creep slowly toward the sound. You lay your back against the wall and push the door slowly open. It creeks, and you wince.  
The jingling is coming from a large pit-bull mix, sleeping on the bed. His legs are twitching like he's dreaming about running, and his dog tags are clinking together. You make a mental note to be very, very quiet. You want to check the bedroom, but the dog gives you pause, no pun intended. Fuck, why do you have to be friends with so many people who think that puns are funny? You decide to put the bedroom off, no sense in crossing that bridge until you have to.  
You close the door and go back to searching the rest of the house. You finally find what you are looking for in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, or more accurately, behind the medicine cabinet. It comes off of the wall to reveal a compartment hidden behind it. You put the cabinet on the floor, and look inside the compartment. Vial after vial of steroids sit in little packages inside. You also see a couple of brown paper bags that smell strange- pot maybe? You think you may have smelled it somewhere before. There are also three sealed bags full of white powder, and stacks and stacks of cash. There is way more to this than just a coach juicing his team. He must be some kind of dealer. You notice that a few steroid vials have been taken from one of the packages, and you take one from there as evidence.  
Suddenly, you stumble and bang your knee loudly against the medicine cabinet. You hear the dog bark. "Shit!" you hiss. Then you hear someone else in the house, talking. His voice is too low to hear what he's saying, but he's definitely there, in the bedroom.  
You take out your tazer and approach the bedroom again. The door is open slightly. One, two, three! You rush in, taking the enemy by surprise, your finger is on the trigger, and-  
"Oh hi Karkat. -Who's a good dog? You're a good dog! Yes you are!"  
It's John. He has given the pit-bull a dog bone, and is now petting him affectionately. The dog seems perfectly amenable to this. "Jegus John, I could have tazed you! What the fuck are you doing here, dumbass?"  
"I'm here for the mission, dumbass! What? You thought I was going to let you go into potentially hostile territory all alone?"  
"You did try your hardest to give me that impression!"  
"Right... sorry about that." He stops petting the dog and walks over to you. "I guess I just got caught up in the team spirit."  
"Caught up in Vriska's skirt more like it," you grumble.  
"What? No way! It's not even like that between me and her! I thought you knew that!"  
"Right, sure, and where in your whole awkward flirtation with her was I supposed to pick that up?"  
"Karkat. I can guarantee you I have never flirted with Vriska."  
"She doesn't seem to think so."  
"Well, yeah, she didn't at first. So I just... told her she wasn't my type, and that I've kind of got a crush on someone else anyways."  
"Oh really? Well insane spiderbitches should hardly be anyone's type. I'm glad that even you realize this. Who, pray tell, will be the victim of her jealous wrath?"  
"Karkat, go easy on her. She's actually really nice! But I guess if you really think that she'll inflict her jealous wrath I guess I should warn you. It's you."  
"Wait... let me get this straight here. You told VRISKA SERKET, the bitchiest, most conniving creature this school has ever spawned, that you have a crush on a guy, and that guy was me?"  
"Well yeah, she's my friend. I kind of felt like I owed her the truth."  
You stare at him in utter disbelief. "What?"  
Panic flits across his face. "Um... never mind. Let's pretend I never said that. Please? That was just... a moment of temporary insanity, okay? I'm not a homosexual! Let's talk about the mission! How goes the mission? Did you find anything?"  
"Oh no! You do NOT get to change the subject after dropping a bombshell like that, without even giving me a chance to respond! If you were paying ATTENTION, instead of focusing on your own stupid emotions, you might have noticed that I like you too, you insufferably ignorant imbecile!"  
He blinks at you in disbelief. "Wait... really?"  
"Yes, fuckwit. I've had a crush on you since like... eighth grade. Now come on, let's get out of here before the neighbors notice my yelling and file a noise complaint. That's the last thing we need right now."  
Despite all your yelling and frustration with him, you allow John to hold your hand, and you walk home floating on cloud nine.


End file.
